“Things are never simple for [military spouses]… it’s never simple or cut and dry. There’s always a reason as to why things don’t go the way they should and in the military things are always changing… we are stuck at home trying to keep things together or pick up the pieces… We make a lot of sacrifices that other families don’t have to normally”
~ Quote from 2017 research article, “Military spouses speak up: A qualitative study of military and Veteran spouses’ perspectives”
Being a military spouse is all about navigating the unpredictable twists and complicated turns. Whether your partner is an active Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) member, a Veteran, or in the Reserves, you know all too well the highs and lows of this unique lifestyle.
Sure, there are perks to your partner having a government job (hellooo consistent income during the pandemic!), but the pros can often feel outweighed by the cons as a military spouse. Higher levels of uncertainty due to sudden tours or exercises, geographical changes and uprooting, stress of long separations, challenges of feeling like a single parent, not to mention the difficulties your spouse may experience, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injuries, chronic pain, sleep disturbances, mental illnesses and/or disorders, burnout, substance abuse, the list goes on…
Married to the Army: Adapting to Unpredictability
As someone who has been “married to the army” for almost a decade now (husband and brother currently serving with the Princess Patricia Canadian Light Infantry, PPCLI), I know the struggles and isolating factors of this life. Trust me, I have sighed, cried, and rolled my eyes more times than I can count when it comes to dealing with the unpredictability of my partner’s job.
Military life constantly tests your marriage, and not only that, but your own patience, understanding, and, let’s be honest, the will to carry on at times.
➡️ Do you find yourself often feeling second-tier to the CAF?
➡️ Are you frustrated with the “duty first” culture, and are experiencing bitterness, resentment, isolation, or hopelessness?
If you answered “yes” to any or all these emotional experiences, then let me ask you one question: How are YOU prioritizing YOU?
Consider the following:
Unpredictability and The Pressure to Adapt, Re-adapt, and Adapt Again!
We are NOT trained in the same way our CAF spouses are. We did not receive training on how to navigate instability, uncertainty, or heaven forbid, threats to our way of life. We are civilians!
We are the ones meant to be protected, and yet, for so many CAF spouses, due to our marital environment, we tend to take on similar attitudes and expectations that we need to be ready for anything. However, what we CAN do is manage our attitudes and expectations of our immediate environment. For example, after years of feeling frustrated and disappointed by a lack of stability in my partner’s schedule, I adopted the phrase, “I’ll believe it when your boots are on the ground”. This helped me recognize that sometimes, things just don’t work out, and if I can find the humour in it, I can more easily brush off the disappointment and accept what I can’t control. Which leads me to number 2…
Married to the Army: Finding Your Locus of Control
Regardless of how you might feel, as a CAF spouse you play a crucial role in your spouse’s ability to engage in a high-performing role. It can be tough to remember how invaluable you are when “military life [impacts] all aspects of spouses’ lives, including health care access, identity, marital relationships, health outcomes, social support, spouses’ educational and career opportunities, and personal growth” (Keeling et al., 2019, p. 4).
Learning to recognize what you can control, what you cannot control, and what you can influence, can help you prioritize where you invest your time and energy and practice acceptance of elements, factors, and others outside of your control. Releasing what you cannot control = personal freedom.
Married to the Army: Overcoming Isolation
When I first moved to Edmonton from British Columbia, I was completely unprepared for how isolated I would feel. I assumed that, because we were joining the CAF community, I would be surrounded by other spouses and partners, that we would always be meeting up, going for coffee, sharing our communal woes of our experiences. I was dead wrong.
I struggled to make friends, I wasn’t connecting, and I felt confused and frustrated, even wondering if I had made the right decision to move. It wasn’t until I began to focus on my own interests and career outside of the CAF, that I began to make friends in unexpected ways. I also connected with the Military Family Resource Center (MFRC) and was put in touch with a therapist who had spent years working with CAF members. She “got” me. She listened to my frustrations, validated them, and supported me in finding ways to connect with others both in and out of the CAF community.
It took time, longer than I had liked, but once I got over my hyper-independence and asked for help it made a huge difference. Whether you are moving to a new town or country, you have rights and resources available to you as a military spouse, it just takes a little digging and a LOT of patience.
Married to the Army: Rediscovering Your Identity
Sure, spouses are the “cornerstone of the health and wellness of the military family” and blah, blah, blah… But when it comes to investing in yourself versus your family/marriage, how even are those scales? Many of my clients who are CAF spouses often feel lost in their own identity, having spent years focused on their children and their spouses, “holding down the fort” while their partner is away, or having to be the rock while their spouse struggles with PTSD/transitioning home from a tour/injuries/mental health/etc...
I encourage my CAF spouse clients to find ways to invest in their own, unique identities again. You are a whole, complex, and multi-faceted person, not just a CAF spouse! It is crucial to your health and wellbeing (not to mention your sanity) that you find ways to re-invest in yourself.
Married to the Army: Strategies for Success
Having a therapist who “gets” it can be instrumental in you receiving support that makes a difference! Learning your attachment and communication styles, problematic ways of thinking (i.e., excessive worrying, catastrophizing, always assuming the worst), and/or coping strategies can support you in feeling more confident as an individual and CAF spouse.
Attending workshops, finding a hobby or type of exercise you enjoy, and increasing your community of social supports can contribute toward the overall improvement of your mental, physical, and spiritual health. The military lifestyle adds not only additional stress, but unique stressors that others may not endure. By learning to prioritize your own health, you can reclaim your independence and strong sense of self, as well as benefit your family and marriage.
Resources:
Borah, E., & Fina, B. (2017). Military spouses speak up: A qualitative study of military and Veteran spouses’ perspectives. Journal of Family Social Work, 20(2), 144–161. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522158.2017.1284702
Keeling, M., Borah, E. V., Kintzle, S., Kleykamp, M., & Robertson, H. C. (2019). Military spouses transition too! A call to action to address spouses’ military to civilian transition. Journal of Family Social Work, 23(1), 3–19. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522158.2019.1652219
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Information provided through Balance Psychological Services' blog posts is meant for educational purposes only. This is NOT medical or mental health advice. If you are seeking mental health advice, please contact us directly at (587) 985-3132.